Tap Thad Ass
by JP Kaczur
Sadly, Tuel Time will have to wait for another time because on Monday morning the Buffalo Bills announced that Thad Lewis will be starting for the injured E.J. Manuel on Sunday against the Cincinnati Bengals.
Most of the blogosphere and mainstream media were betting on Jeff Tuel getting another start—or Josh Freeman upping his Aderall dose in Western New York. I couldn’t find anyone speculating that Thad Lewis would get the nod. I mean, why would a quarterback go from the practice squad to starting in the NFL?
Unsurprisingly, the reaction has been fairly negative. Take for example WGR550 personality Chris “The Bulldog” Parker who said, “If there was something to tap into, someone would be tapping it.” Well Chris, aren’t the Buffalo Bills, in fact, tapping Thad ass? Perhaps, they are ahead of the curve, no?
I know it’s weird to think of the Buffalo Bills as an organization capable of uncovering a capable quarterback off the scrap heap, but why the fuck not? Here are 5 reasons why I am irrationally confident in Thad Lewis, for all ya’ll haters out there.
1. I watched one Youtube video on him.
As a seasoned Youtube scout, I saw all I needed to see from this video to know that he’s got the arm strength and speed to be a backup. (Btw, check out this youtube channel. Mr. Mikey is doing the lord’s work, providing Bills fans youtube compilations of every throw a Buffalo Bills quarterback makes every week. http://www.youtube.com/user/MrMikeyMo16)
2. He’s made one start.
And, that’s one more start than Jeff Tuel. Which is a good thing because after Jeff Tuel looked like he should have taken an Aenima before he took the field against the Browns, I think we need a
continent seasoned veteran behind centre.
3. The one start he made was against a good defense!
The Pittsburgh Steelers defense at the time was ranked number 1 in the league. Thad’s stats against the Steelers: 22-32 passing with a 68.8% with a touchdown and an interception. For completion’s sake, I’ll mention his passes only averaged 6.38 yards. Can you say servicable?
4. Brian Hoyer
Brian Hoyer, a.k.a. my ex gf’s cousin, proved that journeyman quarterback’s are people too. Hopefully Thad can play more than two games because I think even Brian Hoyer believes Jeff Tuel has no chance.
5. I live my Buffalo Bills fandom inside a foxhole.
After all, there are no atheists in a foxhole. Without Thad, I’ve got nothing.
Thad Lewis plays like a serviceable backup on Sunday against fellow serviceable backup Andy Dalton. Whatever strides Peyton Manning has taken in advancing offensive football are erased by the shitshow put on by the two quarterbacks. Somehow, Thad Lewis figures out the Bengals defense enough to throw one successful 7 yard slant, followed by a long run by CJ Spiller (he’s on my fantasy team) that’s capped off by a 50-yard field goal by Dan Carpenter. The Bills win 3-0.
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