At times last night during the NFL draft I would lose my focus momentarily. During those lapses, NFL Network announcers kept going into specific detail about certain football players’ body parts. Thankfully my inattention answered a long-standing question: what would porn sound like with play-by-play announcers? Thanks to Brian Billick’s mouth agape discussing Dion Jordan’s “angular” qualities and Mike Mayock’s lisp reaching a fever pitch describing a lineman’s “hip snap,” shit got Top Gun volleyball weird. With the draft barely two picks in and the extended NFL broadcast team scared to get out of their chairs, Katie Philips sensed that the macho veil had been lifted. And, she did what she had to do:
“That guy is a pussy,” a completely unprovoked shot at Blaine Gabbert.
After the draft was over, Buffalo Bills GM Buddy Nix took to it to a whole other level. During the introductory press conference for his new quarterback he was tongue-tied over his new quarterback E.J. Manuel. Desperately trying to convey how impressed he was with his size, he couldn’t string together a sentence without making some sort of reference to E.J.’s size:
“We’ve researched him every way we can… he’s got huge hands… As far as arm strength, he’s a huge man.”
Researched him? Big hands? Switching from “arm strength” to “huge man” without pause? I have no idea what this means, but it’s provocative and it’s certainly got me going.
Actual analysis from last night’s draft
Wait, what? Yes, I am actually going to discuss some football related matters in this blog. I apologize but I need a break from posting shirtless pictures of Buddy Nix’s
I can’t begin to describe how excited I was when the Bills did not draft, in the words of Gavin Whitehead, a “shitty white quarterback.” Although I was all about Geno Smith, E.J. Manuel fits into the mold of what I was looking for: high upside, mobile and most importantly “big.” He may or may not ever reach his potential, but at least Buffalo Bills fans have something to dream on for a change. Ryan Nassib Kadri sounded like a typical rebound–just similar, yet different enough from your most recent ex. It’s nice for a while, but eventually you realize you should have probably gone in a completely different direction. E.J. Manuel is the take home to mom different direction. You may not get married to him, but at least your mom wont ask if you are using protection.
All shirtless pics aside, I’m intrigued about how the Bills will use E.J. Manuel. I anticipate they will go the Kaepernick route, rather than the Gabbert route–last thing we want is Katie Philips calling E.J. a pussy two years from now. Sometime on the bench honing his craft would probably a good idea, but more than a year wont be necessary. If it takes him too long to develop the touch and accuracy on intermediate throws, the time on the bench would be wasting his physical prime. Worse comes to worse, with his skill set the Bills can build a strong running game around him that can pick up 1st downs slowly–the sort of ball control game that makes a Redskins 4th quarter lead feel so insurmountable. Hopefully, he can develop his passing ability, but I don’t think its a cause for concern if he doesn’t. Worst case scenario: E.J. Manuel becomes a middle class man’s
poor man’s Cam Newton.
Before you go do yourself a favour and watch the video below. Random YouTube comment Dbake Ruiz puts it best:
“Soo I was like chilling with my frat brahs then all the sudden like the nfl called and they were like yo your with the giants and I was like cool.”