Emails From Doug Whaley

Make It Stop

An Examined Bills Life Worth Living

by JP Kaczur

 

It’s not all bad when it comes to the Buffalo Bills. Coming into this season it appeared, to me at least, that the Buffalo Bills had a strong defense (4th according to Football Outsiders in 2014) that complimented their young stable of receivers and incredible depth at running back. I was feeling quite confident about the upcoming season (8-8 maybe 9-7 even), but to my surprise, my confidence wasn’t shared by pretty much anyone in the media.

After reading and listening to more than a dozen previews, I found 3 things present in all of them.

1.) The Bills will finish 4-12.

2.) The Cleveland Browns will pick first overall next year.*

3.) Bills fans are “living on a prayer,” or any other obligatory/hack-y Bon Jovi joke you can think of. **

It’s been a long summer.

Avoiding any Bills related podcasts, or reading any articles on the upcoming season would have been the healthy thing do, but apparently I’m a masochist. Nevertheless, I wasn’t content with reading and listening to constant negativity. So I questioned whether the examined Buffalo Bills life was one still worth living.

 

Madden Giferator wouldn’t let me use the word dead, so I had to get creative.

***

I wrote the first part of this post before the Bills road win against the Chicago Bears. Those paragraphs were intended as part of a post defending against all the grim predictions levied against the Bills — while also interjecting insults towards the media. Unfortunately, those paragraphs were no longer necessary to that piece because the idiot talking heads/blowhard columnists were eating so much shit, I didn’t have to add to their plate.

Nonetheless, I wasn’t satisfied. So I took to the internet.

On various message boards I basked in the opportunity to say I told you so. After what the media put me through this summer, it was my moral obligation to tell them what’s what. Except, I didn’t really do it myself because I am far too weak-willed. Instead, I lived vicariously through other more hands-on fans of the Buffalo Bills. *** My hands-off revelry didn’t stop there. While navigating the Buffalo Rumblings (BR) comments sections, I stumbled upon a post from Chicago Tribune writer Steve Rosenbloom. Knowing the final score, I clicked on the link thinking doing so wouldn’t cause me any pain that I kind of enjoyed, but was too scared to admit.

Through Rosenbloom’s  column, I channeled my suppressed masochism into the enjoyment other people’s pain. Rosenboom, who is a self-professed conservative, is known for ridiculous claims that bait readers into insanely stupid arguments—his shtick reads like refried Ann Coulter. After the Bears loss at home, Rosenbloom slapped together a rambling, incoherent response titled, “Is The Bears Season Already over?” The hyperbolic, sensationalistic headline served as a great lede because it foreshadowed his unsound thoughts. Take for example, his claim that the entire Bears team sucked—he even singled out Brandon Marshall’s 2 td performance as “sucking.” Moreover, he also claimed the Bills are a terrible team with a QB “who can’t throw like a real NFL quarterback” — all the while his Twitter was flooded with Bills fans defending E.J. Manuel by backing up their claims with evidence. At no point in Rosenbloom’s rambling, incoherent response was he even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. But was there something underlying his hysterical column?

What do you see?

I began to wonder about Rosenbloom’s mental stability, however, he stopped short of telling his readers that nothing felt good. Nonetheless, my suspicions remained. As the column began to climax, Rosenbloom escalated his sensationalist whining and exclaimed hysterically, ” … lose to the Bills? Kill me now.” Finally, Rosenbloom’s mania was easy enough to assess for anyone with a first-year psych credit.

***

Upon examining the Chicago Bears , Rosenbloom found nothing but inkblots that resembled death. But I gotta give it up to him. With all the negativity he faced, he still managed to finish his post. It was like staring into a mirror, but with a far stupider (sic) reflection.

Before going to bed, I turned on the Grantland NFL Podcast hosted by Chicago Bears fan Robert Mays. As I was yawning I heard Mays make a claim about the Bears/Bills game. “It wasn’t that the Bills won, so much as the Bears lost,” he said during the intro. The podcast continued, but I fell asleep shortly after.

Great writer and bitter Bears fan.

Footnotes

* If you ask me the better bet is the Browns using their own pick to select first overall. Burn.

** The only good one I’ve heard was from a Bills fan: “Bon Jovi. Wanted dead.”

*** My favourite was a screengrab of all the espn experts picking the bears with the caption “I’m tired of Espn’s shit.”

NFL Preview In Bite Size Chunks

by JP Kaczur

A homeless man’s Moneyball

Premise: When a blogger goes crazy after watching Draft Day on repeat, he starts working Draft Day references into everything he writes, but he finds that his exercise in insanity inadvertently excorcises his Buffalo Bills demons.

First off, for those of you too intimidated to read an entire season preview, download my playoff bracket below…

Playoff Bracket 2015

Disclaimer: If you consider any of my predictions insane, please step back, take a breath, and then think rationally for a second. If you don’t instantly realize that predictions of any sort are complete, mindless garbage, I can’t save you. For those of you who understand the futility of human endeavour, here is some mindless entertainment to pass the time.

I will separate all 32 teams (worst to first) based on how likely they are to be chosen after this season for a straight-to-dvd sequel to the mediocre Kevin Costner movie Draft Day.

Draft Day II: these teams are prime candidates for a straight-to-dvd sequel based on a moribund franchise. 

32. Cleveland Browns. 1-15

I’m sorry Mike Petinne, I really am. I loved you as a defensive coordinator, I even understood why you left the Bills for a head coaching job. I’m just not over how the producers of Draft Day dropped Buffalo for Cleveland. 1-15 for you!

31. Oakland Raiders 2-13

Ice Cube, a Raiders fan, once proclaimed that he wouldn’t choke like the Buffalo Bills. His favourite team, the Raiders, wont come anywhere close to choking at any point this, or, next decade.

30. Washington 3-13

RG3’s struggles in the preseason have diverted attention from that entitled little dick, Dan Snyder. Looking into my crystal ball, I foresee an injury to RG3. “Well isn’t that obvious?” you ask. Yes and no. In week one against the Texans, Griffin will suffer a shoulder injury, rather than a knee injury, thus bringing the great white hope Kirk Cousins to the fore. The Redskins will have a terrible season, but at least their fans, and Redskins alumni, will finally have the quarterback they have yearned for. Once RG3 is inexplicably run out of town, the Redskins will have no choice but to rename themselves the Washington Stupid White Men. *

*Brightside: they have their first round pick this year!

Is this what you want people?

29. Tennessee 4-12

Ryan Fitzpatrick is gone, but Jake Locker is back. Sure, injury-prone Locker is a slight upgrade, but only when he is in the line up. It’s only inevitable that at some point this year Titans fans will be wishing for Ryan Fitzpatrick to comeback. Shit is gonna get weird, I tell ya.

28. Kansas City 4-12

Alex Smith signs big contract and proceeds to be absolutely terrible. The end.

27. St. Louis 4-12

I’m surprised Rams fans haven’t started chanting, “You fucked up,” every time Sam Bradford gets injured.

Draft Day II: these teams are on the bubble for a straight-to-dvd sequel 

26. Jacksonville 5-11

5-11 is an improvement, no?

25. Minnesota 5-11

I don’t feel good about this pick, but the Vikings face Green Bay and Chicago four times, and both those squads are far more talented. However, neither of them have a super human freak on their team, like Adrian Peterson.*

*Who may or may not have have a baby inside his leg. Thanks Germany!

24. Tampa Bay 6-10

Now that scurvy MRSA is a thing of the past, the Buccaneers will improve—but only by two wins. Falcons < Buccaneers, Saints < Buccaneers, even Panthers, and all their problems < Buccaneers. They’ve got a good coach, a good roster, and I don’t even mind Josh McCown,* but this is a tough division and someone has to finish last.

*I do mind their backup Mike Glennon. Google Mike Glennon, and click on images, and laughter will ensue.

Googling Mike Glennon never gets old.

23. Detroit 6-10

Unless you’re looking for a Christian Deepak Chopra type to work as the spiritual advisor of your football team, stay away from Jim Caldwell.

Draft Day II: these teams have major weaknesses that could land them in the lap of Ivan Reitman.

22. New York Giants 7-9

I love Eli Manning because he always seems stoned—which would explain why he is so chilled out during big moments. But I myself would have to be really fucking stoned to think the Giants will be anything more than mediocre this year.

21. Miami Dolphins 8-8

I say gun control is some dumb shit.

Bold prediction: No team coached by Joe Philbin, or quarterbacked by Ryan Tannehill, will ever be good. *

*Ryan Tannehill’s wife has bigger guns than her husband.*

*My first unnecessary shot at Ryan Tannehill’s wife — of the year.

 

“It’s important to note that the rifle is legally owned by Tannehill.”

20. New York Jets 8-8

After an 8-8 season, Rex Ryan will have a lot more time to devote to foot handjobs.

19. Pittsburgh Steelers 8-8

Since Big Ben has cleaned up his act, it just hasn’t been the same.*

*Good humans generally don’t make good quarterbacks. I can’t believe I still watch the NFL.

Draft Day II: Ivan Reitman would love to work with these teams, but they wont give him the time of day for another two seasons.

18. Cincinnati Bengals 8-8

They’ve had too many winning seasons in a row, so it’s about time the Bengals fuck up.

17. Carolina 8-8

Sure, their offense looks pretty terrible, but Cam Newton is second to Adrian Peterson in superhuman qualities. *

*And I’m pretty sure he has never been to Germany.

16. Arizona 8-8

I like this team a lot — I even buy the Carson Palmer renaissance. But that fucking division…

15. Houston 9-7

Anyone else starting to dislike J.J. Watt? He’s got a sort of Patrick Bateman quality to him. Whatever. The Texans will bench Ryan Fitzpatrick and replace him with a fan off the street. They will finish 9-7, but lose out on the playoffs because they started Ryan Fitzpatrick at on one point during the season.

14. Philadelphia 9-7

I worship at the altar of Chip Kelly, but he sure isn’t a defensive genius. Not to mention, quality defensive coordinators have a years worth of tape on his offense. I don’t doubt he will introduce some new wrinkles, but if the offense isn’t as good as last year, the defense wont mitigate the offense’s regression.*

*Oh fuck, I actually kind of sort of analyzed a team. Insert dick joke here.

13. Dallas 9-7

Dallas beats out Philly for the division, but the media and fans still figure out a way to call Tony Romo a choker.

For some reason, I still think he’s with Jessica Simpson.

Draft Day II: one team should have been in the original and after a successful season will turn down Ivan Reitman’s shitty straight-to-dvd sequel.

12. San Diego 9-7.

If San Diego is a whale’s vagina, then Denver is a whale’s dick.

11. Buffalo 9-7

Yeah, I’m a Bills fan, but the truth is, I need a little positivity in my life, like, right now. *

*I will have more on the Bills tomorrow.

Draft Day II: these teams aren’t impressed by how Ivan Reitman works Ghosbusters into every conversation.

10. New England 10-6

My prediction assumes that Bob Kraft doesn’t have influence over Patriots games.

9. Seattle Seahawks 11-5

Russell Wilson was Will Smith last year, beloved by all and considered perfect in every way. However,  this year he morphs into Will Smith, the rumoured scientologist.*

*Apparently his father trained him to be a “king.” Read the Sports Illustrated feature here.

8. Baltimore Ravens 11-5

Will I ever be able to justify being Wacko for Flacco outside of the playoffs? Yes, and this is the year because new coordinator Gary Kubiak will run a ton of play action to take advantage of Flacco’s deep ball skills. *

* Torrey Smith will finish with 1,400 yards.

7. Atlanta Falcons 11-5

Matt Ryan throwing to healthy receivers like, Julio Jones and Roddy White, equals playoffs. It’s a simple, but foolproof formula.

6. Chicago 12-4

I think I have a crush on Alshon Jeffery.

Draft Day II: these teams wouldn’t let Ivan Reitman into their building. 

5. San Francisco 12-4

I’ve been reading a lot about Jim Harbaugh’s problems with management and the concerns that it will effect San Francisco’s season. Considering that Harbaugh’s teachers complained to his parents about his insane competitiveness in grade school, I can’t see Harbaugh giving anything but his all to win every game he can.

4. New Orleans 12-4

Far removed from the NFL’s bizarre handling of the bounty scandal, the Saints will be one of the better teams in the league—in games inside a dome.

3. Indianapolis Colts 14-2

Whatever, I know what you’re thinking: “Their roster sucks.” But seriously it doesn’t matter when you can get on your soapbox and say you’ve got Johnny Unitas Andrew Luck behind centre.

2. Green Bay Packers 14-2

Considering he’s coming back from a serious injury, with the love of a good woman in hand, an already intensely motivated individual like Aaron Rodgers has all the extra motivation he needs to fuck shit up in the NFC conference. *

*I don’t consider Olivia Munn a distraction. If anything Rodgers needs a little fun in between practice and games. All work and no play… turns you into Tom Brady.*

*I would have to see a leaked sex tape to believe Giselle and Tom have actually mated.

Draft Day II: Ivan Reitman wont even bother asking. 

1. Denver Broncos 15-1

I think Peyton Manning will regress this year—but that means he will throw for 30 touchdowns instead of 55. However, Manning’s regression wont be due to his German made neck, but rather, it just wont be necessary for Manning to throw as many touchdowns with a top-5 defense.*

* I’m actually more concerned about the necks of opposing teams quarterbacks. Re: Von Miller and Demarcus Ware.

If you’ve read this far. You’re a good person. Make sure to download the playoff bracket!

Playoff Bracket 2015

Save Your Fake Money For These Seven Players

by JP Kaczur

 

peterson-mccoy

Disclaimer: the following is for auction players only. Snake drafters, get the fuck out. 

Premise: When an inexperienced fantasy footballer struggles to write an auction advice column, he finds unlikely inspiration after drafting the very expensive Adrian Peterson.

“The key to winning a fantasy football auction pool this year is drafting Adrian Peterson or LeSean McCoy,” is something that Captain Obvious would say. Problem is, spending a small fortune on one of these studs doesn’t guarantee a championship. Not to say that you shouldn’t spend a small fortune on one of them, just make sure you are thrifty with the rest of your money. The last thing you want to do is be irresponsible with fake money because auctions kind of work like real life. Think about it: if you spend more than you have, you end up broke, destitute and doing things you said you would never do, like drafting New York Jet Eric Decker.

The following is a list of comparable players. One player is the expensive option, the other is the cheaper option. You will be faced with some tough decision and some not so tough ones. But filling out the rest of your roster after you’ve bagged a stud with the cheaper, yet productive options will win you a championship. Call it the Mr. Burns strategy, if you will.

“Then get me the next best thing…”

Is Zac Stacy the non-union Mexican equivalent of Eddie Lacy?

Is Zac Stacy the non-union Mexican equivalent of Eddie Lacy?

 

Eddie Lacy average price on ESPN… 51

Zac Stacy average price ESPN… 33

Eddie Lacy should have a better season than Zac Stacy. Leaving talent out of this, its obvious that Aaron Rodgers’ magical skill set will open running lanes that St. Louis’ quarterback Shaun Hill—the G.O.B. to Rodgers’ Tony Wonder—wont. With that said, will Lacy out produce Stacy enough to justify the cost? I don’t think so. First of all, Shaun Hill isn’t much of a downgrade from Sam Bradford. Second, Stacy’s relatively low price has more to do with him being shamed and forced to wear the equivalent of a scarlet letter for a running back during the offseason: 3.9 yards per carry (YPC) as rookie. Oddly enough, Eddy Lacy, A.K.A. the guy who costs 18 dollars more, averaged 4.1 YPC–that extra $18 gets you 4 more yards per 20 rushing attempts! Obviously, it doesn’t quite work that way, but if you tune out the hype you can get a good player who wont force you to draft Eric Decker. Bonus: if you’re looking for a fantasy team name, you can’t go wrong with falling in love with “Zac Stacy’s Mom.”

Stacy's_Mom

If this video was real life, Stacy’s mom would be up for bail soon.

 

Jamaal Charles average price on ESPN… 58

CJ Spiller average price on ESPN… 16

Jamaal Charles will cost you a lot of fake money. Personally, I would go with Adrian Peterson or Lesean McCoy ahead of Jamaal Charles. But if you’re seeking a Jamaal Charles like performance, buy a lottery ticket like CJ Spiller. I know, Spiller ruined fantasy teams and friendships alike like in 2013, but go back to the future to 2012, when Spiller was second in the league to only Adrian Peterson in yards per carry (6.0 YPC) and then tell me you’re not willing to take the chance. If that doesn’t work watch the video below.

Bishop Sankey average price on ESPN… 8

Carlos Hyde average price on ESPN… 2

Neither rookie running back will cost you a significant amount, but when it comes down to filling out the last spot on your roster, you should be looking for upside, instead of a fading star like Maurice Jones Drew.. In lieu of drafting someone old and not reliable, swing for the fences with a rookie—just don’t make it Bishop Sankey. Sure he has the clearest path to a starting job, but even if he wins it, the preseason has exposed his lack of talent. The guy to go with is Carlos Hyde. Yeah, you’re peddling hope to yourself, but is it that crazy he unseats a 31-year old Frank Gore? After all, father time catches up to everyone. And, Jim Harbaugh sure does make a great grim reaper.

harbaugh-smith

“Father Time is not always a hard parent, and, though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly upon those who have used him well…” Charles Dickens or Jim Harbaugh?

Aaron Rodgers average price on ESPN… 46

Matt Ryan average price on ESPN…6

I love Aaron Rodgers as much as the next human, but at 46 dollars you can have him all to yourself. I know Rodgers has a history of production that far exceeds that of Matt Ryan. For example, in 2012 Ryan had a career year of 32 touchdowns, where as Rodgers had his second best year with 39. Thing is, in a fantasy auction those $40 you save can help you build a team around Matt Ryan that wins you a championship. And don’t worry about Aaron, he’ll be just fine.

They need a stupid nickname... AMunn? RodMunn? OliRod?

They need a stupid nickname… AMunn? RodMunn? OliRod?

Jordy Nelson average price on ESPN… 25

Keenan Allen average price on ESPN… 16

Jordy Nelson has not gotten much recognition for his stellar play until this year—a 1,300 yard season will do that. Nelson now goes for $25, which is fair considering the stats he put up last year, however, paying for past performance in fantasy limits your potential. Instead you want to find a guy like sophomore Keenan Allen. As a rookie, Allen put up 1,000 yards and 8 touchdowns, despite not starting for the Chargers until week 4. This time next year, you will be looking for the next Keenan Allen.

Oh, internet.

Tom Brady average price on ESPN… 54

Peyton Manning average price on ESPN… 10

The insane debate over who’s better has raged on forever. I’m going to be the bigger person and avoid it altogether.  All I have to do is avoid mentioning who I think is better (Peyton Manning) and destroy my memories of Spygate like the NFL destroyed Bill Belichick’s home videos. I’ll focus my energy on deciding who is the better value this year. And quite frankly, when it comes down to value this year, you wont find a better one than Tom Brady ($44 dollar difference between the two rivals). As much as I enjoy the Schadenbrady Schadenfreude, I can’t pass up a deal like that if I want to win a championship.

A Rare Public Display Of Affection From Tom Brady.

Five Players To Dump On Draft Night For Superficial Reasons.

by JP Kaczur

Five Players To Dump On Draft Night For Superficial Reasons. 

Premise: After rewatching an episode of Seinfeld, a rational fantasy footballer finds himself dumping his fantasy stalwarts for superficial reasons.

I’ve been on a Seinfeld kick lately. After rewatching “The Engagement”—from the sitcom’s seventh season—I realized how much I relate to Jerry’s actions.  Jerry Seinfeld, Seinfeld’s supposed protagonist, was notorious for singling out quirks and using them as excuses to break up with girlfriends. After researching for my fantasy football draft, I realized I’ve been doing the same thing this year—but with large muscular men who play football. Where as in past years, I prided myself on making rational, objective decisions based on things like players stats, this year I’ve found myself breaking up with the following players for superficial reasons.

Peyton Manning

http://detroit.cbslocal.com/2014/07/29/peyton-manning-and-wes-welker-have-a-dance-off-video/

Peyton Manning is coming off the greatest fantasy season of all time, but I’m concerned his age is starting to show. I recently saw Vine video footage of Peyton dancing at training camp, and to be honest, I’m afraid. With dance moves like that—beware the twerking at the end—I can’t imagine him dancing around the pocket enough to throw another 55 touchdowns. Not to mention, I can’t be seen with anyone whose dancing looks like “a full body dry heave set to music.”

Tom Brady

Much has been made of Tom Brady’s fantasy football decline. Some point to his lack of receiving options, others to his inability to get the ball deep. Either way, I don’t care. I can’t draft a guy who hocks Men’s Uggs.

Marshawn Lynch

Marshawn Lynch is coming off a season with almost 1,200 yards and 12 touchdowns, but Lynch’s bruising style, mixed with his age, (28) leads me to believe I should stay away. But most importantly, he started putting velvet ropes around his Lamborghini. This has Ricky Vaughan in Major League 2 written all over it.

Peyton Manning

http://detroit.cbslocal.com/2014/07/29/peyton-manning-and-wes-welker-have-a-dance-off-video/

Obviously Peyton Manning is coming off the greatest fantasy season of all time, but I’m concerned his age is starting to show. I saw some Vine video footage from training camp and I’m afraid he’s lost his mobility. With dance moves like that—he briefly twerked at the end—I can’t imagine him dancing around the pocket enough to throw another 55 touchdowns. Not to mention, I can’t be seen with anyone whose dancing looks like “a full body dry heave set to music.”

Victor Cruz

http://www.tmz.com/videos/0_m90wl27x

In a league with way too many PR issues, Victor Cruz is a breath of fresh air. The former undrafted free agent always gets attention for the right reasons, like when he dedicates every one of his touchdowns to his grandmother. The NFL’s Golden Boy is at it again. This time a video of Cruz proposing to his longtime girlfriend went viral. It’s touching stuff, but how am I supposed to justify drafting a decent human being?

Rob Gronkowski

The man who brought us the “Summer of Gronk,” Rob Gronkowski, has toned down his party hardy act this offseason. “Yeah, I’m not hitting that right now,” Gronkowski told USA Today, “I’m just focused on playing football.” After two injury riddled seasons fantasy owners should be delighted that Gronk has chosen football over fiestas. But I’m not one of those owners. Insane football players are more my type.

Best Looking Player Available 2014

by JP Kaczur

Last year I asked several of my friends to choose who the Buffalo Bills would take with their first round pick. Defying convention, the majority correctly predicted EJ Manuel. Are my friends draft clairvoyants? Not exactly–they just have good taste in men. And as alluded to in his post-draft press conference last year, so does former GM Buddy Nix. In masturbated breath, Nix couldn’t stop talking about how big Manuel’s hands are and how much tape he watched on him. The question this year for my friends is, will new GM Doug Whaley have the same taste in men as Nix? Hard to tell at this point, but one thing is certain, NIx and Whaley don’t share the same taste in pornography.

The following are real quotes, from real friends, who have really varied tastes.

Kristi. Head of the AJ Burnett fan club.

Dat smile.

First pick: Jadeveon Clowney. That smile is to die for, total lady killer. With those dreads he reminds me of Mekhi Phieffer in 8 Mile, which is always a good thing

With his head down like that, you’d think Manziel is disappointed Drake didn’t start from the bottom.

Runner up: let’s get this straight – Johnny Football is ugly as sin. But he’s the American football version of Wayne Rooney – the opposite of easy on the eyes but is basically a money tree, so that brings him from about a 3 to a 8. Also, he’s friends with Drake. What’s not to like? #YOLO 

 

 

Maya Zuzek loves Dix, HaHa.

First pick: HaHa Clinton Dix. Didn’t even have to see a picture to know this guy wins.

 

True story: named after Bill Clinton’s presidency.

Runner up: Zach Ebron – attractive, but honestly I got side tracked by the one photo of Zac Efron that showed up in the search. 

 

Christ Almighty/ Bay Street Lawyer. 

First Pick: Johhny Manziel. It’s the Western girl in me. He looks like a frat boy who’d drunkenly dry hump me and then I’d spend the rest of the semester trying to figure out why we aren’t dating.

 

I feel like Johnny Manziel would get bored at Western.

 

Runner Up: Jedeveon Clowney. Clowney is legitimately quite cute. He could with a hair cut. Maybe some RG3 length dreads would be better. I see he majored in American Studies, too. Just keeps getting better–can the Giants have him instead? (Ed. Note: Yes, as long as it results in another Super Bowl loss for the Patriots.)

Jody-Anne. Randolph Theatre School graduate, triple threat, and definitely not a football fan.

First pick: David Carr. Hi. You’re hot. I’m single. Let’s mingle? Please don’t give me any of your STDs that you may have from every woman on the planet lusting after your incredible semi mullett. You have one hell of a head of hair. And I like your muscles. And your soap star face. And other things… (Ed. Note: Problem is, this isn’t the Best Looking Player Available in the 2002 draft. Derek Carr, his extremely younger brother, is up for the draft this year. Jody’s response, “Oh, he’s hot too.”)

 

The Carr brothers. Either of them will do.

 

Runner up: Jadeveon Clowney: You too have incredible hair. Are they extensions? What kind? Can you hook me up? I also like your muscles and your wicked tats.

Isabel Mundigo-Moore giving her picks from Scotland.

First Pick: Definitely Jadeveon Clowney by a long shot. That hair and that smile. And not too bulky like Troy Niklas (who has a great face, see his younger pics, but he’s too bulky now).

 

Blake Bortle's girlfriend finding new and exciting ways to wear bikinis while cameras are present.

Blake Bortles’ girlfriend finding new and exciting ways to wear bikinis while cameras are present.

 

Runner up: Blake Bortles who looks genuinely like a really nice guy. Has a classic look (tall, dark, handsome) and a cute concentration face. (Ed. Note: no comment on where the concentration is on his girlfriend.)

 

These next three come as a packaged deal: Sam, Alex, and Heather work together–call themselves glorified babysitters of Canadian celebrities. (Ed. Note: My reaction to a Canadian celebrity below.)

First up, Sam, who sleeps with her Bluetooth headset on.

This list is abysmal. I don’t even have the words to completely explain how disappointed I am in the NFL’s lack of ability to recruit good-looking men. (Ed. Note: While most experts agree that this year’s draft is deep with talent, Sam is not as impressed.) If I am going to be forced to watch Football or be forced to listen to my crazy friends incessant Football ramblings, you could at least give me some god damn eye candy. (Ed. Note: Umm, I’ve been told their butts look good in their uniform.)

I google’d “NFL player with nice butt.” Their algorithms thought nothing of it.

First Pick: Mike Evans. Why? He’s the only one who doesn’t look like he was dropped on his head as a child.

Runner Up – It’s a tie between Jadaveon Clowney & Sammy Watkins Why? I like their hair. I want them to French braid mine.
Alex, connoisseur of the space-time continuum.
First of all, I need to address something: Sam’s #1 pick? He looks like entourage Seasons 1-3 era “Turtle” ….  she can’t even make the “personality claim”… it was before Jamie-Lynn Z. made him a better man. When I first saw him I thought I misread the rules and was supposed to pick the worst looking. (Ed. Note: She really knows how to talk some trash.)
First pick: Jadeveon Clowney. Why? Despite how difficult it would be to yell his name, J could satisfy my fantasy of a young Denzel–without having to invest the time and money into time travel. (Ed. Note: If I could go back in time, I know that I would open up a can of worms. I could never turn down Lea Thompson–Marty McFly is a better man than I’ll ever be.) (Ed. Note #2: If I could go back in time, I would go back to Larisa Oleynik “Ten Things I Hate About You” era. I thought maybe “Secret World of Alex Mack” era, but NSA.) (Ed. Note #3: I feel like white-collar criminals would ruin time travel for all of us looking for a second chance at love.)
Runner Up –  Blake Bortles. Why? Because he looks like he’s a Southern cowboy… and seems like he’s really good to his mama without being too into his mama in the down-South-backwards kind of way.
Heather’s picks. (Ed. Note: See what i did there?)  
I have no words.

The first cuts.

Wooof! Definitely looks like more than a few of these guys have been dropped on their heads… And what’s with the mustache Tatooo?? WTF>>

He looks like an aging child actor. Never the star, but maybe played the older brother in a Home Alone sequel. Thoughts?

First pick: (Ed. Note: and only pick.) It was tough, but I’d have to say my first pick is Blake Bortles…Yes there was this picture…BUT

According to her Instagram, she’s comfortable in a bikini.

There is also this one… I pick him because he is the only one that doesn’t make me want to throw up in my mouth Now I just need to do something about this b**** and he’s all mine…alllllllllllll mine… (Ed. Note: Stay safe, Lindsey Duke. The world needs your Instagram in a future where traditional currency ceases to exist and bikini pics are bartered.)
Lauren Giguere. Ever the iconoclast, didn’t offer picks, instead chose to consider how much beer would be required.

Johnny Manziel Generally pretty ugly. He looks like he plays for a high school junior team. At the same time he’s the most QBish looking. It would probably take me 10 beers (keep in mind I hardly drink) to hook up with this guy.

 

Jadeveon Clowney He’d be much better looking without all the hair. You can tell there’s a decent face in there somewhere. Some guys can really pull this look off and he just cant. That being said he looks like he could lay some pipe so I’d only need like 5 beers max. And maybe an advil. DE is my body type of choice too.. so much power.

 

 Jake Matthews Gross & never. He’s in line behind Manziel.

 

Mike Evans He’s not ugly but he’s also not my type. He seems like a guy who gets friend zoned a lot.

According to Lauren, killer instinct on the field, but not so much off of it.

Sammy Watkins Too small, hair looks dumb. He’s mildly attractive. Truthfully Im just never into offensive players for some reason. They seem like pushovers.

 

 Blake Bortles #1 white dude Holy delish. Not only would I need 0 drinks to bang this guy, i’d also buy him as many as he wanted. This is the type of guy you marry. He can get it.

 

 Taylor Lewan white guy runner up If Bortles wont marry me, I’ll take this guy.

 

His love comes with complimentary pain killers.

 

***

Based on this highly scientific sample, this year’s first round pick from the Buffalo Bills will be, drum roll please, Jedeveon Clowney. Before I leave, a prediction of my own: Doug Whaley will accidentally send an email with a video link to Roger Goodell that proves exactly how big Jedeveon Clowney’s hands are.

EJ Manuel shirtless for good luck.

Buffalo Bills Rational Recap–Despondent Edition (Week 10)

by JP Kaczur

Feeling rather despondent today. At least I figured out why the Buffalo Bills online store doesn’t sell toasters.

I don’t have the time this week to write a proper recap (does anyone want to write a 10-page essay for me?) Nor do I particularly want to.

It’s amazing after many years of being a Buffalo Bills fan, I still manage to get myself sucked into Billieving. And, using that terrible pun.

Anyways, I must be off for the sea of essays I have to write are calling my name. As for the week 10 matchup between the Buffalo Bills and the Pittsburgh Steelers, I believe Nancy Kerrigan put it best…I am glad that I don’t even have the option of waiting five days…

 

Buffalo Bills Rational Recap–Head Explosion Edition

by JP Kaczur

Every Monday* I try my very best to write a rational recap of the latest Buffalo Bills game. For last week’s recap, CLICK HERE!
 *Except the bye week and the Thursday night NFL network shit show against the Cleveland Browns.

I’m gonna go ahead and just put this out there: there is absolutely no way that I will ever be able to write a rational and reasonable recap of the week 9 matchup between the Buffalo Bills and the Kansas City Chiefs. No amount of time, fish tacos, or space from Dan Dierdorf’s annoying, senile grandpa routine could do it.

Why so crazy? I will let HCDM explain: “I thought it was a catch all the way… I struggle sometimes. I would love for someone to tell me what a definition of a catch is.” I too, like Doug Marrone, struggle sometimes. Actually no, I struggle all the time with the definition of what a catch is.

As someone with a fully functioning prefrontal cortex, I have to say watching an NFL game has become an increasingly jarring experience on a cognitive level. I have through the years built up an understanding of what a catch is. Yet week after week my idea of what a catch is keeps getting uprooted by the NFL’s ever-changing, constant evolving virus idea of one.

My common sense, or dare I say, rational understanding of what a catch is this: if a player catches a ball with their hands or body, that player may use the ground to assist with the catch for as long as they control the ball as they are hitting the ground. In the case of Marquise Goodwin’s non catch, Goodwin caught the ball and was contacted legally by a Chiefs defender. Then he appeared to have used his arm (last I checked, still a part of the human body) to shield the ball from hitting the ground and then rolled over with the ball on top of him, down by contact. The ball never hit the ground because a body part of Goodwin’s blocked it from doing so. After Goodwin rolled over, already down by contact, the ball was jarred loose by a Chiefs defender. 

This is me trying to comprehend the logic behind what constitutes an NFL catch these days.

Originally the play was ruled as a catch by one referee, but another ref came in and somehow convinces him it wasn’t a catch, thus the call on the field is now incomplete. In order to overturn it there needs to be “indisputable visual evidence” that Goodwin controlled the ball. Upon further review by the referee, the call was upheld. The referee in his rambling, incoherent response noted that “the ball came loose.” Well, seeing that there was a body part between the ball and the ground, logic would dictate the ball is not loose. How could a ball be dangling in limbo crunched between an arm and the side of a stomach without falling out??????!?!!??!?!?!!????!?!??!??!?!?!?

Like really? Are you fucking serious? This is debatable somehow?

Yes, I’ve hyperfocused on one particular moment and I promise I wont do this again. I clearly needed to get this off my chest. I think it was a roundabout way of assuring myself that I am not as brain dead as those referees and Dan Dierdorf. But I feel a lot better now, but not enough to erase this whole thing and write a rational recap.

Truth is, there were other moments that lead to the Bills loss. Some completely of their own doing, but the majority of them were absolutely not their fault. Once I find a torrent of the game I will deconstruct it Zapruder film style.

I will be back next week with what hopefully amounts to a rational and reasonable recap. 

Not A Gambling Column–(Week 9)

by JP Kaczur

I went 12-1 last week! Not to mention, my only loss was the super sketchy Patriots win. I considered making myself 13-0 with an asterisk. But my common sense catholic upbringing taught me that two wrongs don’t make a right. Regardless 12-1 is nothing to sneeze at, so I spent the whole week patting myself on the back.

Well, by whole week I mean two days. Let’s just say my Thursday pick didn’t go so well. I think I might go 1-12 this week.

***

Cincinnati over Miami. I waffled on this one several times. I should have went with the home team, but stupid NFL Network convinced me the Bengals pass rush would destroy the decimated Miami o-line. I even considered changing my pick mid-game but I’ve got nothing if I don’t have my few readers trust.

Buffalo over Kansas City. Give us our Tuel, and we shall finish the job. I don’t care that Jeff Tuel is starting, I’m picking my Buffalo Bills. I vowed to pick them all year–other than the Saints game–and I’m sticking by it. Obviously I don’t feel good about it, but fuck it. Here’s my rationalization: the Bills weakness defensively has been deep plays, Chiefs can’t throw deep; the Bills strength is intercepting short to intermediate passes, the Chiefs throw nothing but short to immediate passes. I look forward to reading this paragraph and mocking myself around 4:30 pm. #tueltime.

Dallas over Minnesota. At least Christian Ponder succeeded at life in the grand scheme of things.

Christian Ponder’s wife. (Not Snow White you sicko)

Tennessee over St. Louis. I was really tempted to take the Rams this week. Then I remembered Kellen Clemens is starting. But I have 40-yard Zac Stacy Dash* on my fantasy team, so they’ve gotta make it respectable.

New Orleans over NY Jets. Dear Drew Brees: please throw 5 touchdowns against the Jets so I can feel better about my team. Thanks JP.

Washington Stupid White Men over San Diego. The home team wins!

Carolina over Atlanta. I am so glad Cam Newton has finally won over the national media… for now. If they lose this week, I look forward to all the “should Cam Newton get benched for Derek Anderson” insanity.

Oakland over Philadelphia. I am so proud of my prediction that the Oakland Raiders weren’t going to be that bad this year. And, I’m beaming with pride over Terrelle Pryor’s development. I’m going to ignore the td-int ratio in favour of the 93-yard untouched touchdown. Sorry Chip Kelly, you need to find yourself a Pryor.

Seattle over Tamrsa Bay. I feel like this is a Pete Carroll statement game, as in “I’m gonna show that dick how you coach a team well and not be a complete fucking prick that everyone on the team hates” kind of game.

Who does this remind you of?

Baltimore over Cleveland. I don’t care that these aren’t the Ravens of old because they are playing the Browns of old.

Pittsburgh over New England. The Patriots now are probably going to face the Broncos without their head coach. This is the luckiest professional sports team of all time that’s coincidentally owned by freemasons.

Indianapolis over Houston. Luck better not fuck this up.

Green Bay over Chicago. I swear to God, Aaron Rodgers threw a ball through someone’s head into Jordy Nelson’s hands last week. Somehow he didn’t get called for an unnecessary roughness penalty.

Last Week: 12-1 This year: 81-39.

*I can safely assume this is the first ever NFL draft combine/clueless reference.

Still trying to figure this one out.

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