Emails From Doug Whaley

Make It Stop

Emails From Doug Whaley Podcast Ep2: “Is Dan Carpenter The Bills MVP?”

by JP Kaczur

 

On this week’s podcast, we continue to dwell on Nathaniel Hackett’s sucktitude, wonder aloud why the Bills media are as confirmation biased as us–except they are defending the enemy, and speculate who the general public wants to see shirtless more, EJ Manuel or Kyle Orton.

Oh, and serious is thought is given to Dan Carpenter as the midseason Buffalo Bills MVP.

All that and a little bit more on this weeks episode of the Emails From Doug Whaley podcast.

***

All sound effects are courtesy of http://www.soundbible.com.

Clips courtesy of WGR550. I don’t make any money off this blog.

***

In case you missed it… Ghostbusters.

Ghostbusters, Reaganomics, and the Role Of Luck in Nathaniel Hackett’s Continued Employment

by JP Kaczur

Ronald Reagan was quite fond of the film Ghostbusters. Reagan believed that Ghostbusters glamourized the free market economics (Or Reaganomics, as some refer to it) he championed–can’t imagine what he would have thought of The Lego Movie. Surprisingly, the hollywood legend cum P.O.T.U.S. kind of missed the point. The film isn’t a celebration of the free market, so much as it illuminates the role of luck in achieving success in a, so-called, free market.

If Ghostbusters was greenlit during the 50’s, Reagan would have been considered. Credit: http://islandbreath.blogspot.ca/2014/03/films-of-harold-ramis.html

Ronald Reagan was particularly enamoured with the entrepreneurial success of the Ghostbusters. Led by huckster Dr. Peter Venkman (Bill Murray), the beleaguered parapsychologists became famous and successful, despite Dean Yeager’s assertion that the team’s brand of science “is nothing but a dodge and hustle” to them. One can see how Reagan would enjoy Dr. Venkman, considering they both embody their own lies (Venkman bought into parapsychology, Reagan believed deindustrialization would help the common man). Conversely, Dean Yeager represents the sort of beaurocrat, big government official that Reagan reviled. Reagan believed that those useful idiot types were killing the free market spirit of his great country–deregulation had nothing to do with it. So it’s hardly a surprise he took such glee in the Ghostbusters unexpected success as entrepreneurs.

Problematically, his reading of the 1984 film ignores the role of luck in his beloved great American success story–the Ghostbusters themselves didn’t expect that their methods would actually work. It’s clear to me, the Ghosbusters’ achievement wasn’t a matter of merit, but rather, a getting in on the bottom floor sort of thing.

***

What the fuck does this have to do with running an NFL offense?

Chill.

So far during his first year and a half, Nathaniel Hackett’s offense has struggled. Under Doug Marrone, his offense languished in 2013, finishing 27th according to Football Outsiders (FO), however, last year he had a built-in excuse (EJ Manuel injury). EJ Manuel returned healthy in 2014, but during his four game stint this year, Hackett determined EJ couldn’t run his offense. Kyle Orton, Hackett’s proverbial Larry Bird walking through the door, has come in for EJ and played well–according to the eyeball test. The move from EJ to Orton has led to the offense dropping from 23rd in week 4, to 28th in week 7. I’m not trying to justify EJ’s return. I’m just saying Nathaniel Hackett’s is as slick as the rest of ‘em.

Hackett’s hustler shtick was at full throttle during in his press conference the other day. (Watch it here) “I love it,” Hackett said, responding to a question about how he feels about the criticism thrown his way. “It’s a challenge. You score 43 points, win by 20 points… I want more too,” he added, subtly implying the fans are crazy, while sounding like a totally swell guy–that you can trust  at your doorstep while he’s selling you something.

Fun fact: Ronald Reagan inspired the Batman villain Two Face. Fun fact: I made that up. Credit: http://youoffendmeyouoffendmyfamily.com/tag/evil/

His salesman shtick is buttressed by a great defense. Rather serendipitously, he has a 3rd ranked (FO) defensive unit to blame for his lack of legitimate offensive output. “They’ve been getting us so many turnovers,” he said with a smile. No one in the bated breath crowd could recall that in games that the defense doesn’t produce any turnovers, the offense doesn’t fare so well. (See: Patriots/Bills week 6).

Next, Hackett dodged questions on his shaky offense–the reporters asked them as if they were speaking for the crazed fan base they don’t agree with–specifically his penchant for calling runs up the middle. Hackett justified his philosophy Gladwell style with a historical anecdote: “When it just began, when football began, there was not a lot of explosive plays in the run game. The run game was about getting about 2 yards, 3 yards, 4 yards. Getting it to a manageable third down situation…” The adoring crowd of media members adored Hackett’s use of anecdotal fogging up the mind, while guys, like me, watched this horseshit on a laptop, wondering why none of the media members mentioned the overabundance of 3rd and longs the Bills find themselves in (The Bills are 27th in 3rd down conversions).

Hackett couldn’t stop hocking his wares. In addition to giving his quarterback(s) manageable 3rd downs–that they convert 30% of the time–Hackett claimed his 1-yard, and a cloud of dust, run plays opened up things down the field. The thing is, Hackett neglected to mention three things. 1. Genetically superior Sammy Watkins gained over 90 yards of YAC on 2 receptions.. 2. The Jets defense was hardly stacking the box. 3. Those ‘deep plays’ may have opened up for Watkins because of Rex Ryan’s famously aggressive blitz packages.

After that, I turned off the video because I was sick of listening to Nathaniel Hackett’s sales job. Though, I gotta hand it to him, he has all the–well framed–excuses in the world, which are particularly plausible to the pacified Bills media. But, to me, those excuses left me sympathizing with Dean Yeager. Like the Ghostbusters, who accidentally stumbled on a million dollar idea,* Hackett has stumbled on a million dollar defense, and wide receiver, that will keep him employed.

God bless the ‘free market.’

*To anyone who wants to challenge my argument about the Ghostbusters success: I’m sorry, the point is they got fucking lucky! And, if you want to believe that they were the only parapsychologists, in a country of 300 million, working on that ghost stuff go right ahead. You probably believe Bill Gates is the best at that computer shit.

Bills, Jets, and Jackson Pollock Paintings.

by JP Kaczur

I poured my feelings all over a canvas after the game.

I poured my feelings all over a canvas after the game.

The Bills/Jets rivalry has been anything but storied. Stories and legends are about heroes coming up big in the clutch–think Paul Revere. But there is no such thing as a hero during Bills/Jets games.

Take for example last year, when the Jets managed to win 27-20, despite the fact they had a team record 20 penalties go against them. Neither Geno Smith or EJ Manuel saved the day. Another great example takes us all the way back to 2009, when Dick Jauron was still coach. The Bills won 16-13 in overtime, and Ryan Fitzparick valiantly failed his way upwards with 10/25 116 yards statline, while Mark Sanchez cowered his way to 5 interceptions. Those were two of many awful, heroless games, that don’t deserve to be told and retold in perpetuity.

I would argue, that Bills/Jets games are unfit for a Campbell-ian hero’s journey, and instead, are works of art, in the mould of Jackson Pollock paintings, only appreciated by those with an acquired taste for fine’r pieces of shit.

The following are five examples why this game belongs with all the other Jackson Pollocks the Bills and Jets have played over the years.

1. Kyle Orton threw four touchdowns.

Wait, what… how is that a bad thing? Yeah, that total sure looks good, but look a little deeper and you’ll notice Orton only completed 10 passes. And, you ask, “Well, they won, right? This isn’t a beauty pageant god dammit. It’s about putting w’s on the board!”

2. New York Jets committed 6 turnovers.

Yes the Bills did win, all thanks to Geno Smith, who managed to throw 3 interceptions by the middle of the first quarter.

3. The Bills score 20 points of off six turnovers.

Doug Marrone, in his press conference, thought this was an impressive number. Keep in mind that’s 20 of a possible 42.* Not to mention, the Bills offense benefited from four turnovers in the first half, yet couldn’t muster a first down on any of them.

4. The end of an era

Michael Vick capitalized on Smith’s turnovers more than the Bills did, netting himself a starting gig moving forward.*** Vick improved on Smith’s day, only committing 3 turnovers during 3 and a half quarters of play. The legend of Geno Smith will live on in infamy for its ineptitude and lack of poetry.

5. Correction: the end of an era(s)

I forgot that Smith’s departure signals another end of an era, though Rex Ryan’s inevitable end will be postponed by the NFL calendar.  Ryan will stay employed until the end of the season, so the Jets can position themselves to get a another quarterback to screw up in next year’s draft. But something tells me Ryan won’t be out of a job for long…

out of a footjob that is!

* Technically it should be 48, considering 2 pt conversions.

** And, don’t even try to suggest this is unnecessary criticism. The fact of the matter is, three of turnovers came in the red zone (one of the td’s was a turnover at the 1 yd line). When the Bills had to actually try to move the ball up the field, they didn’t do so well.

*** No official announcement yet, but like really?

Emails From Doug Whaley Podcast Ep1: “I’m Gonna Go To My Room And Be Sad.”

by JP Kaczur

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An Emails From Doug Whaley podcast? I figured I would try this shit since the podcast market is very underserved. Getting in on the bottom floor.

In this weeks episode, you’ll hear us ignore the Vikings win, overanalyze the Patriots loss–in an obsessive way, and most importantly, figure out who is this years winner of the prestigious “Buffalo Bills Scapegoat” award, * among other things.

*Hint: it’s not long snapper, Garrison Sanborn.

 

Five Frustrations: Bills/Patriots

by JP Kaczur

Jerry Hughes received an unsportsman like conduct penalty for lightly slapping his teammate on the back after a crucial third down stop. This actually happened people.

Full disclosure: I am frustrated.

But it has nothing to do with the result of this game in particular, or the seemingly countless losses the Bills have suffered because of the Patriots filming their practices at the hands of the Patriots. What’s really frustrating is the bizarre post-game analysis.

The following are five frustrating examples of media analysis that make me want to face palm.

1. Bills Fans Are Using Penalties As An Excuse. 

Sure, the Bills offense committed three turnovers, but the penalty calls definitely affected the outcome as well. Actually, any argument to the contrary is simply not cogent.  The Bills “committed” 8 penalties for 107 yards, while the Patriots tally came out to 9 times for 60 yards. Considering the amount of yards, as well as shorter fields for the defense, one can’t reasonably conclude that penalties had nothing to do with the loss.

2. If you think the penalties are sketchy, you’re paranoid. 

There is a difference between paranoia and critical thinking. But I’ll leave it at that, because the NSA knows where I live.

 

Panopticon what.

3.The Defense didn’t play well/the defense isn’t good

Umm, I don’t know about either. Considering the Bills offense committed three turnovers, while the defense held the Patriots to only 10 points off of them. Not to mention one of the td’s was the direct result of Duke Williams short circuiting–that probably doesn’t happen with a healthy Aaron Williams. All things considered, I think the defense wasn’t bad yesterday, nor will it be moving forward.

4. Hackett is not the problem, I wont explain why, he’s just not. 

I’m trying not to name name’s here–I hate being that blogger that tries to get attention calling out actual media types–but there has been one Buffalo media guy in particular who has yet to put the onus on Nathaniel Hackett, despite the fact that Hackett’s offense finished in 27th in 2013 (Football Outsiders) and is currently 27th so far this year. I will just let those rankings speak for themselves instead of making a litany of excuses for him like a certain media member has. (EJ Manuel was hurt last year, EJ Manuel can’t run his offense, CJ Spiller isn’t cutting it as a running back, etc.)

Speak of the devil…

5. According to Joe Buscaglia, CJ Spiller’s “penchant to bounce runs outside,” is frustrating the Bills. 

Ok, I lied. I am going to call out Joe Buscaglia. I’m sorry Joe, you do fine work, but have you noticed that they run a small, but fast, running back up the middle constantly? Do you think perhaps, maybe, they should be designing more plays that get him space to run outside. Maybe a sweep or two? I don’t know. Not to mention, how many yards do you think Spiller could get going up the middle instead of trying to make something “bouncing it to the outside?” *

 

*I called out Joe Buscaglia mainly because he somehow decided to make CJ Spiller his LVP instead of Duke Williams. Seriously Joe??? I realize he fumbled before halftime, but lets put it this way, CJ Spiller doesn’t call his own plays. Sending your tiny running back to finish out a half, instead of Fred Jackson or the pile pushing Anthony Dixon, is not Spiller’s fault, its Nathaniel Hackett’s.

***

Ok, I feel a lot better now. Time to start the #CamCameronNathanielHackett twitter campaign.

Ten Bold Predictions: Bills/Patriots

by JP Kaczur

Ten bold predictions
*All predictions in bold for emphasis/cuz it’s funny—to me at least.
1. New England will rush for under 3 yards a carry, thus rendering their play action useless. Not to mention, forcing Brady to actually rely on throwing the football to try to win a game. 
2. Jordan Devey already has been accused of being a virgin, but the bullying will not get better after the Bills game because Devey will be drawn and quartered outside Foxborough. #expatriate
3. Kyle Williams and Marcel Dareus will Bündchen Brady to death.
4. Tim Wright is the new Aaron Hernandez… but wont be against the Bills…

Bills fans forgetting about the whole OJ Simpson thing.

5. Gronk will make an amazing catch on a seem route, but then have his knees taken out by Leodis Mckelvin on—what the NFL deems is—a legal hit.
6. Tom Brady will yell at his outside receivers, but his slot guys will avoid his wrath.
 

Last time Edelman got this close to someone…  *Charges later dropped because the NFL doesn’t care about women.

7. Bill Belichick will inexplicably have an angry look on his face after the Bills are hosed on a series of penalties, each more bizarre than the last. 
8. Sammy Watkins will catch at least one more terrible Kyle Orton pass. EJ Manuel will be wondering where those spectacular catches were for him. 
9. Tom Brady will still be worshipped like a God like figure after the game, despite being  outplayed by an uglier, less talented quarterback.
10. Controversial opinion: Tom Brady is better than Kyle Orton*, but Orton doesn’t have to face the Bills pass rush. Orton will stay upright and make it rain JD  on the sideline for the second week in a row. 
* I can’t single out one idiot member in particular because so many of these media types, who get paid to analyze the NFL, somehow thought an incredibly inane point like that is worth making.

Kyle Orton just trying to be a good father.

11. I lied.
Bills win 27-13. In my mind, I won’t be surprised, but those “Brady is better than Orton” mother fuckers will be. 

An Examined Bills Life Worth Living

by JP Kaczur

 

It’s not all bad when it comes to the Buffalo Bills. Coming into this season it appeared, to me at least, that the Buffalo Bills had a strong defense (4th according to Football Outsiders in 2014) that complimented their young stable of receivers and incredible depth at running back. I was feeling quite confident about the upcoming season (8-8 maybe 9-7 even), but to my surprise, my confidence wasn’t shared by pretty much anyone in the media.

After reading and listening to more than a dozen previews, I found 3 things present in all of them.

1.) The Bills will finish 4-12.

2.) The Cleveland Browns will pick first overall next year.*

3.) Bills fans are “living on a prayer,” or any other obligatory/hack-y Bon Jovi joke you can think of. **

It’s been a long summer.

Avoiding any Bills related podcasts, or reading any articles on the upcoming season would have been the healthy thing do, but apparently I’m a masochist. Nevertheless, I wasn’t content with reading and listening to constant negativity. So I questioned whether the examined Buffalo Bills life was one still worth living.

 

Madden Giferator wouldn’t let me use the word dead, so I had to get creative.

***

I wrote the first part of this post before the Bills road win against the Chicago Bears. Those paragraphs were intended as part of a post defending against all the grim predictions levied against the Bills — while also interjecting insults towards the media. Unfortunately, those paragraphs were no longer necessary to that piece because the idiot talking heads/blowhard columnists were eating so much shit, I didn’t have to add to their plate.

Nonetheless, I wasn’t satisfied. So I took to the internet.

On various message boards I basked in the opportunity to say I told you so. After what the media put me through this summer, it was my moral obligation to tell them what’s what. Except, I didn’t really do it myself because I am far too weak-willed. Instead, I lived vicariously through other more hands-on fans of the Buffalo Bills. *** My hands-off revelry didn’t stop there. While navigating the Buffalo Rumblings (BR) comments sections, I stumbled upon a post from Chicago Tribune writer Steve Rosenbloom. Knowing the final score, I clicked on the link thinking doing so wouldn’t cause me any pain that I kind of enjoyed, but was too scared to admit.

Through Rosenbloom’s  column, I channeled my suppressed masochism into the enjoyment other people’s pain. Rosenboom, who is a self-professed conservative, is known for ridiculous claims that bait readers into insanely stupid arguments—his shtick reads like refried Ann Coulter. After the Bears loss at home, Rosenbloom slapped together a rambling, incoherent response titled, “Is The Bears Season Already over?” The hyperbolic, sensationalistic headline served as a great lede because it foreshadowed his unsound thoughts. Take for example, his claim that the entire Bears team sucked—he even singled out Brandon Marshall’s 2 td performance as “sucking.” Moreover, he also claimed the Bills are a terrible team with a QB “who can’t throw like a real NFL quarterback” — all the while his Twitter was flooded with Bills fans defending E.J. Manuel by backing up their claims with evidence. At no point in Rosenbloom’s rambling, incoherent response was he even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. But was there something underlying his hysterical column?

What do you see?

I began to wonder about Rosenbloom’s mental stability, however, he stopped short of telling his readers that nothing felt good. Nonetheless, my suspicions remained. As the column began to climax, Rosenbloom escalated his sensationalist whining and exclaimed hysterically, ” … lose to the Bills? Kill me now.” Finally, Rosenbloom’s mania was easy enough to assess for anyone with a first-year psych credit.

***

Upon examining the Chicago Bears , Rosenbloom found nothing but inkblots that resembled death. But I gotta give it up to him. With all the negativity he faced, he still managed to finish his post. It was like staring into a mirror, but with a far stupider (sic) reflection.

Before going to bed, I turned on the Grantland NFL Podcast hosted by Chicago Bears fan Robert Mays. As I was yawning I heard Mays make a claim about the Bears/Bills game. “It wasn’t that the Bills won, so much as the Bears lost,” he said during the intro. The podcast continued, but I fell asleep shortly after.

Great writer and bitter Bears fan.

Footnotes

* If you ask me the better bet is the Browns using their own pick to select first overall. Burn.

** The only good one I’ve heard was from a Bills fan: “Bon Jovi. Wanted dead.”

*** My favourite was a screengrab of all the espn experts picking the bears with the caption “I’m tired of Espn’s shit.”

 

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NFL Preview In Bite Size Chunks

by JP Kaczur

A homeless man’s Moneyball

Premise: When a blogger goes crazy after watching Draft Day on repeat, he starts working Draft Day references into everything he writes, but he finds that his exercise in insanity inadvertently excorcises his Buffalo Bills demons.

First off, for those of you too intimidated to read an entire season preview, download my playoff bracket below…

Playoff Bracket 2015

Disclaimer: If you consider any of my predictions insane, please step back, take a breath, and then think rationally for a second. If you don’t instantly realize that predictions of any sort are complete, mindless garbage, I can’t save you. For those of you who understand the futility of human endeavour, here is some mindless entertainment to pass the time.

I will separate all 32 teams (worst to first) based on how likely they are to be chosen after this season for a straight-to-dvd sequel to the mediocre Kevin Costner movie Draft Day.

Draft Day II: these teams are prime candidates for a straight-to-dvd sequel based on a moribund franchise. 

32. Cleveland Browns. 1-15

I’m sorry Mike Petinne, I really am. I loved you as a defensive coordinator, I even understood why you left the Bills for a head coaching job. I’m just not over how the producers of Draft Day dropped Buffalo for Cleveland. 1-15 for you!

31. Oakland Raiders 2-13

Ice Cube, a Raiders fan, once proclaimed that he wouldn’t choke like the Buffalo Bills. His favourite team, the Raiders, wont come anywhere close to choking at any point this, or, next decade.

30. Washington 3-13

RG3’s struggles in the preseason have diverted attention from that entitled little dick, Dan Snyder. Looking into my crystal ball, I foresee an injury to RG3. “Well isn’t that obvious?” you ask. Yes and no. In week one against the Texans, Griffin will suffer a shoulder injury, rather than a knee injury, thus bringing the great white hope Kirk Cousins to the fore. The Redskins will have a terrible season, but at least their fans, and Redskins alumni, will finally have the quarterback they have yearned for. Once RG3 is inexplicably run out of town, the Redskins will have no choice but to rename themselves the Washington Stupid White Men. *

*Brightside: they have their first round pick this year!

Is this what you want people?

29. Tennessee 4-12

Ryan Fitzpatrick is gone, but Jake Locker is back. Sure, injury-prone Locker is a slight upgrade, but only when he is in the line up. It’s only inevitable that at some point this year Titans fans will be wishing for Ryan Fitzpatrick to comeback. Shit is gonna get weird, I tell ya.

28. Kansas City 4-12

Alex Smith signs big contract and proceeds to be absolutely terrible. The end.

27. St. Louis 4-12

I’m surprised Rams fans haven’t started chanting, “You fucked up,” every time Sam Bradford gets injured.

Draft Day II: these teams are on the bubble for a straight-to-dvd sequel 

26. Jacksonville 5-11

5-11 is an improvement, no?

25. Minnesota 5-11

I don’t feel good about this pick, but the Vikings face Green Bay and Chicago four times, and both those squads are far more talented. However, neither of them have a super human freak on their team, like Adrian Peterson.*

*Who may or may not have have a baby inside his leg. Thanks Germany!

24. Tampa Bay 6-10

Now that scurvy MRSA is a thing of the past, the Buccaneers will improve—but only by two wins. Falcons < Buccaneers, Saints < Buccaneers, even Panthers, and all their problems < Buccaneers. They’ve got a good coach, a good roster, and I don’t even mind Josh McCown,* but this is a tough division and someone has to finish last.

*I do mind their backup Mike Glennon. Google Mike Glennon, and click on images, and laughter will ensue.

Googling Mike Glennon never gets old.

23. Detroit 6-10

Unless you’re looking for a Christian Deepak Chopra type to work as the spiritual advisor of your football team, stay away from Jim Caldwell.

Draft Day II: these teams have major weaknesses that could land them in the lap of Ivan Reitman.

22. New York Giants 7-9

I love Eli Manning because he always seems stoned—which would explain why he is so chilled out during big moments. But I myself would have to be really fucking stoned to think the Giants will be anything more than mediocre this year.

21. Miami Dolphins 8-8

I say gun control is some dumb shit.

Bold prediction: No team coached by Joe Philbin, or quarterbacked by Ryan Tannehill, will ever be good. *

*Ryan Tannehill’s wife has bigger guns than her husband.*

*My first unnecessary shot at Ryan Tannehill’s wife — of the year.

 

“It’s important to note that the rifle is legally owned by Tannehill.”

20. New York Jets 8-8

After an 8-8 season, Rex Ryan will have a lot more time to devote to foot handjobs.

19. Pittsburgh Steelers 8-8

Since Big Ben has cleaned up his act, it just hasn’t been the same.*

*Good humans generally don’t make good quarterbacks. I can’t believe I still watch the NFL.

Draft Day II: Ivan Reitman would love to work with these teams, but they wont give him the time of day for another two seasons.

18. Cincinnati Bengals 8-8

They’ve had too many winning seasons in a row, so it’s about time the Bengals fuck up.

17. Carolina 8-8

Sure, their offense looks pretty terrible, but Cam Newton is second to Adrian Peterson in superhuman qualities. *

*And I’m pretty sure he has never been to Germany.

16. Arizona 8-8

I like this team a lot — I even buy the Carson Palmer renaissance. But that fucking division…

15. Houston 9-7

Anyone else starting to dislike J.J. Watt? He’s got a sort of Patrick Bateman quality to him. Whatever. The Texans will bench Ryan Fitzpatrick and replace him with a fan off the street. They will finish 9-7, but lose out on the playoffs because they started Ryan Fitzpatrick at on one point during the season.

14. Philadelphia 9-7

I worship at the altar of Chip Kelly, but he sure isn’t a defensive genius. Not to mention, quality defensive coordinators have a years worth of tape on his offense. I don’t doubt he will introduce some new wrinkles, but if the offense isn’t as good as last year, the defense wont mitigate the offense’s regression.*

*Oh fuck, I actually kind of sort of analyzed a team. Insert dick joke here.

13. Dallas 9-7

Dallas beats out Philly for the division, but the media and fans still figure out a way to call Tony Romo a choker.

For some reason, I still think he’s with Jessica Simpson.

Draft Day II: one team should have been in the original and after a successful season will turn down Ivan Reitman’s shitty straight-to-dvd sequel.

12. San Diego 9-7.

If San Diego is a whale’s vagina, then Denver is a whale’s dick.

11. Buffalo 9-7

Yeah, I’m a Bills fan, but the truth is, I need a little positivity in my life, like, right now. *

*I will have more on the Bills tomorrow.

Draft Day II: these teams aren’t impressed by how Ivan Reitman works Ghosbusters into every conversation.

10. New England 10-6

My prediction assumes that Bob Kraft doesn’t have influence over Patriots games.

9. Seattle Seahawks 11-5

Russell Wilson was Will Smith last year, beloved by all and considered perfect in every way. However,  this year he morphs into Will Smith, the rumoured scientologist.*

*Apparently his father trained him to be a “king.” Read the Sports Illustrated feature here.

8. Baltimore Ravens 11-5

Will I ever be able to justify being Wacko for Flacco outside of the playoffs? Yes, and this is the year because new coordinator Gary Kubiak will run a ton of play action to take advantage of Flacco’s deep ball skills. *

* Torrey Smith will finish with 1,400 yards.

7. Atlanta Falcons 11-5

Matt Ryan throwing to healthy receivers like, Julio Jones and Roddy White, equals playoffs. It’s a simple, but foolproof formula.

6. Chicago 12-4

I think I have a crush on Alshon Jeffery.

Draft Day II: these teams wouldn’t let Ivan Reitman into their building. 

5. San Francisco 12-4

I’ve been reading a lot about Jim Harbaugh’s problems with management and the concerns that it will effect San Francisco’s season. Considering that Harbaugh’s teachers complained to his parents about his insane competitiveness in grade school, I can’t see Harbaugh giving anything but his all to win every game he can.

4. New Orleans 12-4

Far removed from the NFL’s bizarre handling of the bounty scandal, the Saints will be one of the better teams in the league—in games inside a dome.

3. Indianapolis Colts 14-2

Whatever, I know what you’re thinking: “Their roster sucks.” But seriously it doesn’t matter when you can get on your soapbox and say you’ve got Johnny Unitas Andrew Luck behind centre.

2. Green Bay Packers 14-2

Considering he’s coming back from a serious injury, with the love of a good woman in hand, an already intensely motivated individual like Aaron Rodgers has all the extra motivation he needs to fuck shit up in the NFC conference. *

*I don’t consider Olivia Munn a distraction. If anything Rodgers needs a little fun in between practice and games. All work and no play… turns you into Tom Brady.*

*I would have to see a leaked sex tape to believe Giselle and Tom have actually mated.

Draft Day II: Ivan Reitman wont even bother asking. 

1. Denver Broncos 15-1

I think Peyton Manning will regress this year—but that means he will throw for 30 touchdowns instead of 55. However, Manning’s regression wont be due to his German made neck, but rather, it just wont be necessary for Manning to throw as many touchdowns with a top-5 defense.*

* I’m actually more concerned about the necks of opposing teams quarterbacks. Re: Von Miller and Demarcus Ware.

If you’ve read this far. You’re a good person. Make sure to download the playoff bracket!

Playoff Bracket 2015

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